Once the initial shock began to settle, a single question echoed within me:
What now?
I had been enrolled in an intense training program. It required focus, stamina, ambition. I paused it. I did not have the capacity to carry academic rigor alongside unbearable grief.
My routine became survival. Just getting through the day felt like an accomplishment.
When I thought about healing, I realized something important. The body, mind, and spirit all suffer in grief, but my spirit was the most restless. My body, I could sustain with food and occasional movement. My mind, I tried to quiet with meditation, though at that stage it felt mechanical and empty. But my spirit felt shaken. My faith felt fragile. That demanded attention.
I began searching for Islamic literature on child loss. I struggled to find something directly addressing it. In that search, I came across Healing the Emptiness by Yasmin Mogahed.
It is beautifully written and deeply relatable in its exploration of pain and healing. Although it does not focus specifically on child loss, it reframed my understanding of suffering. It helped me confront a dangerous thought that had quietly taken root: Was this a punishment?
If pain were punishment, then the most beloved of Allah would have lived untouched lives. Yet the prophets endured the deepest trials. The shift came when I separated pain from punishment. Suffering is not necessarily retribution. Often, it is refinement.
If child loss were a direct punishment for a specific sin, then countless others would endure it equally. That logic dismantled the narrative I had unconsciously built against myself.
That book became a foundation stone in rebuilding my understanding. It did not erase my grief. It did not answer every question. But it stabilized something fragile inside me.
Let me be clear. I am now one and a half years into this loss. This rebuilding has been slow. Painfully slow. There have been dark stretches where reading felt mechanical and faith felt distant. But reading was my first step back toward steadiness.
If you are searching, begin somewhere. Start with one book. One lecture. One page. Visit the books section and choose what resonates with your heart.
You are rebuilding your faith, layer by layer. It may feel futile. It may feel like nothing is changing. But quiet effort accumulates.
Do not underestimate small persistence.
Keep showing up.
Even when it feels hollow……Especially then.
I will continue sharing the small flickers of light I have discovered along this journey.
With love,
Umm-e-Shahryar
Mother of Shahryar